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Friday, December 29, 2023

New Year's Evil (1980)

It's New Years Eve, 1980, and that means one thing...

Friday, December 1, 2023

Schwarzenegger's First Film: Hercules in New York (1970)

"Our story opens at the summit of Mount Olympus, where the Greek gods, in their limitless wisdom, have chosen to live on the steps of a community college library on Long Island. Arnold Schwarzenegger (”Arnold Strong” in the credits) is Hercules, a demi-god celebrated in myth and legend for his ability to recite lines phonetically. On earth, Hercules was lauded as the mightiest of warriors, while on Olympus he is chiefly famous for showing off his veiny, trunk-like thighs in a side-slit mini skirt.

Hercules is bored in the realm of the gods, but Zeus will not permit him to visit earth, because, “these mortals are bedeviled by as aggravating a collection of annoyances as it’s possible for one to imagine,” so adding Arnold to the situation would just be gilding the lily. When it’s pointed out to Hercules that he’s only a demi-god anyway, and should quit putting on airs, Arnold slowly recites, “My father may have been a mortal, but you Zeus, my father, are a god.” So, Hercules Has Two Daddies."

Friday, November 17, 2023

Better Living Through Bad Movies Presents: The Island (2005)

[NOTE: If you’re cast in a movie where you play a 4-year old clone who knows nothing and needs everything explained, then 85% of your performance is going to consist of this expression.]

"We should probably address the controversy up front. Some denounce this film as a shameless rip-off of  Parts: The Clonus Horror, an obscure 1979 horror movie which featured Peter Graves and the relief Darren from Bewitched, and starred that guy who played the Gene Shalit-looking fireman on Emergency! And sure, The Island does seem to recycle the premise and every major plot point of the earlier film, but that’s okay, because it’s a copy of a movie about cloning! Which is a brilliant metatextual critique of its own thematic gestalt! Or, you know, plagiarism. Whatever."

Now it's your chance to book a fabulous, Five Day, Six Night All-Inclusive Stay at The Island, America's leading resort for Home Brew Homo sapiens. Click here to read.

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Better Living Through Bad Movies Presents: Cutthroat Island (1995)

Jeff has been traveling and Life has been Lifing, but we'll be back with a new episode shortly. In the meantime, things have been percolating over at Better Living Through Bad Movies. Here's a Hickory Farms cheese log sampler:

Geena has to dress like a prostitute to visit her uncle (I guess we’ve all had to, especially around the holidays) and titillates him with her Dad’s scalp, which she’s been carrying around in her bikini area. He agrees to join her on the quest but says they’d better hurry, since her map is simultaneously developing dandruff and a yeast infection.

Frank Langella shows up and demands to know where the map is, threatening her with a moray eel if she doesn’t talk, but Geena refuses to admit that she’s using her father’s skin as a panty liner. He kills her uncle, but that’s okay, because it turns out Frank’s also her uncle, so she’ll still have an excuse to dress like a whore on Thanksgiving.

Friday, August 4, 2023

Episode 107: Those Old Scientists

 Cartoon characters come to life (and for once we're not just talking about Jeff), in the Season 2 crossover episode as Star Trek: Strange New Worlds meets Lower Decks.

Tuesday, July 18, 2023

Episode 106: Tangents


It's like Targets, but without Boris Karloff.

By the way, this is the Lois Lane Supercut we talk about on the show:

And speaking of the show... Enjoy us speaking!

Friday, June 30, 2023

Episode 105: The Fact Rat versus New Breed


Scholarly rodent Webberly Rattenkraft (AKA The Fact Rat) is our Special Guest Victim this week as Jeff convinces him to watch New Breed. He quickly discovers that facts are no defense against a Stephen Groo movie. Hear a man's mind melt in real time!

Sunday, June 11, 2023

Episode 104: Stephen Groo's New Breed

Well, it finally happened. Had to happen, really. Jeff found the worst movie ever made, and warned Scott about it. Scott, in a decision no one but Homer could explain, decided to watch it, unleashing a cascade of tragedies that probably left Oedipus feeling pretty good about the way his life worked out. So get ready for an hour of bitching (same as the runtime of the film; consider this bonus commentary track our Free Gift to You!, since we're all out of the Sports Illustrated Sneaker Phone).

By the way, when we say "an hour of bitching", we mean Scott bitches for an hour. Jeff actually liked the thing. 

Of course he did.

Sunday, May 21, 2023

Episode 103: Rants and Recommendations

In this episode, Scott tells a folksy, heart-warming story about failure, while Jeff goes on not one, but two epic rants about Beau is Afraid and Renfield

And here are links to the first two posts on Scott's new Substack, Better Living Through Bad Movies:

Sunday, April 23, 2023

Episode 102: Finale of Star Trek Picard

The Unfrozen TNG Characters show that was Picard season 3 has come to a slam-bang, hip-breaking, fan-serving finish, and we have some thoughts.

Friday, April 21, 2023

I Was Attacked By Stoner Aliens on 4/20!

Hey guys, Scott here, with my annual holiday wish that all those so inclined got their buzz on yesterday, and achieved Maximum Mellow. Me? I was the subject of yet another alien visitation, when Mike & Ike suddenly decided to drop by Earth and remind me I owed them five bucks and seven minutes alone with my Salad Spinner™. Fortunately, this pan-dimensional, pan-sexual, pan-bearded pair of otherworldly imps--unlike some other extraterrestrials I could name (lookin' at you and your strap-on, E.T.)--they chose not to probe my anus, for reasons that were typical of the two:

IKE: Now don't take this personal, Scott. 'tain't personal, we like ya jus' fine.

MIKE: It's merely that we can tell, even from a distance, that you have an usually boring anus.

So it's a Good News/Bad News thing. But on the bright side, they landed in the middle of a Midwestern poetry slam, and closed out the evening with a tight 10.  Please enjoy...The Return of Mike & Ike:

Monday, April 10, 2023

Episode 101: The Star War

We're back!

And we're not dead! (Or in Jeff's case, we're mostly not dead!) Join us for an update on Jeff's latest adventures as a contestant on OPERATION! (The Goofy Game for Dopey Doctors), and then settle in for a long overdue discussion of The Star War.

You know the one.