Scott here. Jeff and I would have watched this and recorded a show about it, if I didn't find myself oddly immune to the comic stylings of Rob Zombie. Oh sure, he's funny, but they really should've hired someone with proven horror chops. Like Mr. Rogers. (I know he's dead, but imagine a worm-eaten corpse in a cardigan shambling around the set, holding a director's viewfinder up to his empty black socket. Now that's scary and funny. But I digress...)
Jeff, however, would not let this stand, and fobbed the job off on Immortal Alien Stoners and Entertainment Gurus Mike and Ike, who began life as a feature in a college newspaper, and now return to their roots. Enjoy!
The Munsters (2022)
Directed by Rob Zombie
Written by Rob Zombie
Based on Characters Created By Norm Liebmann & Ed Haas
From a Format By Alan Burns & Chris Hayward
SOUND EFFECTS: LIGHTER. INHALE.
IKE: (Holding breath) Brain bad.
MIKE: I know, Isaac. I know. Now give me Falcor before brain leak.
IKE: (Exhales) Suck away, limey. You deserve it.
MIKE: You are not wrong.
THREE QUICK INHALES, LONGER ONE.
PAUSE.
IKE: Told ya this stuff was good. Keep holdin’...hold...and exhale!
THREE QUICK INHALES, LONGER ONE.
IKE: I know, limey. I know, but we’ll get through this. We gotta. I’m not lettin’ him break us. Now gimmie.
THREE QUICK INHALES, LONGER ONE.
IKE: Gimmie Falcor.
THREE QUICK INHALES, LONGER ONE.
IKE: Michael.
THREE QUICK INHALES, LONGER ONE.
IKE: I will punch your pecker so hard it’ll feel like Tuesday. Exhale!
EXHALE.
MIKE: (Short pause) I am ready now.
IKE: You are such a greedy bitch!
MIKE: (English accent) Greetings and salutations. He’s not Mike.
IKE: (Southern accent) He ain’t Ike, but we are confused.
MIKE: And pissed!
IKE: And sad.
MIKE: And high.
IKE: And impressed.
MIKE: And not at all aroused.
IKE: And it’s entirely cuz'a Rob Zombie.
MIKE: A.) Because he hasn’t called us in weeks!
IKE: And 2.) We watched The Munsters and...damn!
MIKE: I fucking hate prequels!
IKE: This is what Zombie wanted to do!
MIKE: Well Zombie’s wrong. I don’t care how they met! I don’t care about the early days of Butch and Sundance, and I could give less than three fifteenths of an actual fuck about when Harry met Lloyd!
IKE: Ya cared about how they got the Death Star plans.
PAUSE.
MIKE: Shut up. The point is it’s already got one strike against it. Strike beta: it’s in color.
IKE: Ta be fair
MIKE: To be fair
BOTH:(Singing) TO BE FAIR!
IKE: Zombie wanted it in black and white. Higher Ups nixed that.
MIKE: Well Higher Ups are wrong. The Munsters are basically classic Universal monsters, and said classic monsters are black and white. They just don’t work in color.
IKE: You’re not wrong.
MIKE: I know.
IKE: That bein’ said...
MIKE: Damn it! Let me enjoy my righteous fury!
IKE: The colors that Zombie used were incredible.
MIKE: I don’t care.
IKE: Ya said so while we were watchin’ the damn thing!
PAUSE.
MIKE: Point taken.
IKE: I think the best way ta describe the look of this thing is it’s as if Dario Argento directed Creepshow for kids.
MIKE: That’s...very good, Isaac. Well done.
IKE: Thank you.
MIKE: You may have Falcor now.
IKE: THANK YOU!
LIGHTER. INHALE.
MIKE: It should have been in black and white.
IKE: (HOLDING BREATH) You’re right. (EXHALE) I’m just saying what we got was pretty cool.
MIKE: I’m not letting this one go. I think I would have liked the film more if it’d been in black and white.
IKE: Really.
MIKE: Yes.
IKE: This prequel?
MIKE: Yes.
PAUSE.
IKE: Point taken.
MIKE: The acting is intentionally community theatre over the top and all the performances would have come across so much better if they had been in fucking black and white!
IKE: Agreed.
MIKE: That being said, My God, Richard Brake is great.
IKE: He’s got this Vincent Price on the Brady Bunch vibe goin’ on and it is awesome. Best Mad Scientist since Gene Wilder.
MIKE: In that category, agreed.
IKE: I also really liked Grandpa.
MIKE: The Count. Remember, it’s a PREQUEL!
IKE: Everybody in the flick is fine, but The Count and The Doc are really the ones worth talkin’ about.
MIKE: Sherrie was funnier as the newscaster.
IKE: We’re gonna go there now?
MIKE: I think we should.
IKE: Alrighty then.
LIGHTER, INHALE.
MIKE: Thank you.
LIGHTER, INHALE.
PAUSE. BOTH INHALE.
IKE: The flick’s not that funny.
MIKE: It has a few good jokes.
IKE: But most of them are really hokey.
MIKE: And really bad.
IKE: But here’s the thing.
MIKE: Godsdammit, Isaac.
IKE: The jokes are really no worse than anything heard on the original Munsters, or I Dream of Jeannie, or My Three Sons, or any sitcom from that era.
MIKE: That doesn’t make them good.
IKE: But it does make them accurate.
MIKE: I don’t care! I’m entertained watching The Munsters. Hell, I’m entertained watching Munster Go Home! I was not entertained watching this!
IKE: If it’d been in black and white?
MIKE: I might have been.
IKE: If it had been fifteen minutes shorter and in black and white?
M: But it’s not so it doesn’t fucking matter.
SHORT PAUSE.
IKE: This one hurt, limey.
MIKE: This one hurt bad, and it shouldn’t have! That’s the worst part!
IKE: Higher Ups suck.
MIKE: So say we all.
This is a bit, right? Tell me this is a bit and that Rob Fucking Zombie did not make a family friendly movie. Because if this isn't a bit, we are, in fact, actually in hell.
ReplyDeleteY'know, we tend to spend so much time focusing on the traditional punishments of hell--the flaying, the itching, the burning, the buggering by demons--that we forget to consider how shitty hell's entertainment options are likely to be. This flick will probably play on Perdition Cable TV (one channel) as often as BEASTMASTER used to play on HBO.
ReplyDeleteSee, the traditional punishments are false advertising. Really, the point is to make your time in hell miserable without you catching on for as long as possible so that the reveal is even more horrifying.
DeleteThis is just pure laziness on the part of hell's writers.